


lately i begin to shake

by London_The_Loser



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: ADHD, Angst, Brain go BRrrrr, Comforting Phil Watson, Ew, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Over stimulation, Projection, Stimming, Technoblade Has ADHD (Video Blogging RPF), dont worry, i'm so tired hhhhhhh, just a vent lmao, just intrusive thoughts, neurodivergent, not in the sexual way, this song makes my head explode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28688823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London_The_Loser/pseuds/London_The_Loser
Summary: techno hear's a song on stream and it triggers a meltdown. adhd things.(hint- this is 190% projection)it's so bad lol
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Phil Watson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 378





	lately i begin to shake

**Author's Note:**

> *vents cutely in the middle of a meltdown* guys i'm doing so good. 
> 
> ~warning: stimming, over-stimulation, anxiety, all that good adhd stuff~

techno chewed distractedly on the inside of his mouth, eyes directed towards the screen in front of him. 

phil was talking in the background, something about reacting to new smp related animations to his chat, an excited tinge to his voice. techno's knee was bouncing violently from below his desk, his wrist flicking in random patterns. discomfort crawled under his skin, sticky in a way that made his brain run faster and his body coil tightly. it had been like this almost all day, and he would never get used to the feeling. it made him feel impulsive, a carnal urge to claw at his jeans or bite at his own knuckles until layers peeled off and the raw skin would hurt for hours afterwards. he hated the way it bubbled up his throat, shot through his muscles and left him flailing his arms around in a mock tantrum, like a child who lost their favorite toy. he wonders how stupid he looked. god it was embarrassing. 

"techno?" phil asked loudly, the tone and volume implying it wasn't the first time the man had called his name. his head jerked sideways, coming to meet the shoulder that shot up at the same time. he was antsy. he should leave the call. he should leave phil's stream and listen to some music. 

"right, sorry, i zoned out."

"it's fine." the older said kindly. "i was just thinking of taking animation suggestions from chat and watching them with you?"

another bout of restlessness had techno's hand coming up to tug harshly at his slightly grown-out hair, a bitten back grunt tightening his chest further. the urge to hum, click his tongue, let out soft noises of comfort was so tempting, but techno knew he was on stream. he just needed to calm himself down, there was no reason to be getting this worked up right now. 

"yeah, that sounds cool." he winced slightly at the gravely tone in his voice. 

"great! okay chat, give me some of your favorite...."

phil's voice faded into the background as techno decidedly started counting from 1 to 50 in his head, his hand slipping from between his greasy strands of hair and over the bottom half of his face. he let his pointer finger tug at the skin below his eye, enjoying the feeling of his stretched eyelid. 

"okay!" phil said excitedly from techno's earbuds, sounding far more enthusiastic than the younger was capable of feeling at the moment. "we have... _i can't handle change._ are you guys okay? i can already tell this is depressing as _shit._ why would you recommend a sad one first?" 

techno quickly typed in the song name, pulling up the animation on youtube. phil was right, it most definitely looked sad. the man bit back a quiet sigh, unwilling to acknowledge he shouldn't be this careless when he was so close to a meltdown. 

_it's fine. you calmed yourself down. you can handle a couple angsty animations, you're a grown adult._

"you ready, tech?"

the man in question let his eyelids drift shut briefly, sucking in a quiet breath. 

"yup, start in 3, 2, 1."

the moment the music started playing, techno's fists curled tighter into themselves, a tidal wave of restlessness tightening his body. he felt locked in place, the chromatic and abrasive chords drilling into his ears. this song was fucking _trigger happy,_ jesus. this shit, of all things to be chosen? the song fell off a few seconds in, slightly off tune and disconnected vocals setting his nerves off kilter. he could feel his jaw clenching, legs continuing their restless shake. it was just a song. it wasn't that bad. 

_i can't help but repeat myself_

he froze.

_i know it's not your fault_

_still lately i begin to shake_

_for no reason at all_

techno wasn't even paying attention to the animation, the instrumental filtering through his earbuds overwhelming whatever grip on his senses he had managed to hold onto. his brain was rapid firing and struggling to process the shift in volume and tempo, not even noticing as his elbow collided sharply with the glass of water that sat at the other corner of his desk, shattering against the floor. desperate, panicked urges to rip out his hair, claw through his skin, bite off his tongue, break something, anything, joined the frenzy battle to sort through nonsense thoughts. he hated this, _hated this,_ the inability to handle simple shit when he happened to be having an off day. 

" _fuck_ , shit, uh-" he mumbled out, subconsciously continuing his string of muttered curses as his arms came upward to tightly lock around his ears and head, sporadically bringing his socked foot down roughly with the ground. why did he never listen to himself? why didn't he just leave the call like he knew he should have? why was he such a fucking _mess?_

"techno? hey! techno?! are you okay, mate?"

_no,_ he thought bitterly, bending forward to knock his forehead against the desktop. "fuck." he bit out instead. 

"what happened?" came phil's worried reply 

" _jesus-_ nothin', not- _argh!_ " 

techno scrambled to pull together anything coherent, body continuing to seize up and twitch. his chest was still tight. 

"hey- hey, it's fine, was that song a bit triggering?"

the younger shuddered from his balled up position, arms still tightly locked over his head. _phil always knows,_ he think's bitterly (gratefully). 

"yeah just- not, not- not, not-" _groan_ "not a good day." 

"you should've told me..."

" _i know._ " 

techno winced as soon as he snapped, muscles jerking a bit more violently with panic. 

"okay. i just want you to be careful, i don't want this to happen often, tech." the man's voice was soft, and patient. techno slumped tiredly against his desk. 

"can stream still hear me?"

"we're both muted right now, but we weren't until about 45 seconds ago. do you want to take a breather and come back, get it out of your system, or just disconnect for the rest of the night?"

"i think- i think- i-"

"take your time."

_deep breaths_ "i think i'm gunna turn on a movie or somethin'"

phil made a soft hum of acknowledgement. "please take care of yourself, techno."

"thanks, phil. i will." 

"goodnight" the older said warmly.

techno smiled. 

"night."


End file.
